FiGHT NIGHT ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen in the audience, and to our broadcast audience joining us from across this great nation. We’re live for the main event tonight, and what a night it’s going to be! We’ve had heavyweights duking it out the entire week, and while it was simply to whet your appetite for this evening’s slugfest, it’s been a hell of a week!
“As we get ready for the title card, we’d like to thank our sponsors this evening. While some would say there are too many to name, everyone out there knows them intimately. Their products are in every home and there isn’t a day that goes by that their thumbs aren’t on the scales of this great nation and her tax policy. Thanks to you, oh corporations, we can share tonight’s spectacle with everyone nation-wide!
“But let’s listen to those crowds roar as we have the principals of tonight entering the grandest stage of their lives. To one side, we have the young firebrand, Riley Cross. She’s been turning heads this season, taking down opponent after opponent with quick jabs and quicker jabbering. Her opponents have claimed that she’s young, wet behind the ears, and doesn’t have the necessary experience for the title, but if you’ve seen the results, you know that the people are behind her.
“But the people don’t have anything on her opponent tonight. Yes, it’s the old warhorse, veteran of a thousand skirmishes, Cole “the Caucus” Cassidy. He’s getting up there in years, sure, but he’s not a step behind because of it. He’s had the title for nine straight terms and, if you could see the look in his eye this eve, you know that he’s focused on hitting double digits tonight.
“There was a lot of talk that tonight wouldn’t happen. Cassidy seemed to have been enervated by the last cycle working the D.C. circuit, and there was suspicion that the recent scandal could have ended the possibility of this fight before it could even happen. But we have his talented public relations team to thank as well as the great minds behind his legal defense against those horrible allegations for setting those aside.
“Not that Cross has been without her own troubles. I’ve been told just before broadcast that there was an allegation of voter tampering in her first runoff back in ’22, and while she’s been officially cleared, her name has been bruised a bit in the arena of public opinion.
“And Cross and Cassidy have come to center stage, both of them in suits with creases that could cut like diamonds. The moderator has them well in hand, repeating the rules of the contest as they were agreed upon by both parties. A lot of these will be old hat to you regulars out there: no physical contact, no factual statements about candidate policies, and no points will be deducted for avoiding the question. As usual, there will be an opening statement for both with a thirty second window for rebuttal and name-calling by their opponent.
“Cross and Cassidy shake hands, the older Cassidy going for an adolescent pressure point that seems to go away as gnarled fingers can’t bring the strength about to cause discomfort. Cross, having won the coin toss, gets behind her podium to open the contest…
“I’d like to take this moment to cut away from the action and thank our valiant sponsors once more. In a world where we might consider having an opinion, there is AI, apps, and even good old-fashioned media outlets to do the thinking for us. Truly, we live in a golden age!
“But let’s get back to the action… Both opponents have given their opening statements, Cassidy with the lifeless stoicism of the resuscitated, Cross with the blind naivety of youth. Still, that hardly matters tonight! The words alone are enough to spark polite, if unenthusiastic, applause from the assembled donors and fair-weather allies. So a slow start to the fight, and one that the moderator chides them on to less restrained laughter from the gallery.
“And then we’re off into wedge issues! Tax reform, reproductive rights, gun control, immigration! The Big Four thunder at both candidates. Cross deftly deflects, skipping aside the worst of the situation as she avoids answering with all the nimbleness of a gazelle. Cassidy, true to form, bulls through the issues with a doggedness that has come to typify his response to all matters of policy, jingoisms flung from his lips with a veteran’s dexterity as he refuses to acknowledge the right of the moderator to even ask him questions!
“And the crowd love him for it! No, wait! They’re cheering Cross’s mocking evocation of Cassidy! She certainly seems to have his shamble down pat! It’s certainly drawing the desired reaction from Cassidy. You can see him flush from here, and I don’t think it has anything to do with the claims we’ve heard of substance abuse.
“But the nine-term politician has more than verbal judo in his bag of tricks. As the moderator tries to quiet the gallery towards a more substantive discussion, Cassidy has made his way over to stand at Cross’s shoulder like an ancient bird of prey. And Cross doesn’t even bother to acknowledge him! The young firebrand is certainly putting on a show tonight!
“Hold on, what is that there? Folks, I’m not sure what I’m seeing, but Cross has something in her hands. It’s a folded paper, some sort of legal document. The entire place is in an uproar, Cassidy’s supporters crying foul while Cross’s cry fair. The moderator is calling for silence but it’s going to be a moment now while we wait to see what’s written on the paper.
“… And Cross is claiming that Cassidy has an even darker past than her ads suggest. It’s hard to hear, but what I can make out from here is Cross claiming a landmark exposé to hit print media tomorrow. She’s either claiming that Cassidy has had an extramarital affair or extra hair repair. It’s terribly hard to hear, but either way that will be a body blow to his campaign.
“But Cassidy isn’t out yet. The words of his opponent’s claim hang in the air and already a full-throated defense is being made. You can’t fault him for quick thinking. I’ve seen candidacies that have fallen apart under half as much stress, and yet there he stands like a statue, rage in his eyes but calm, soothing platitudes spilling from his lips!
“And we’ll cut away for a moment to thank AI! Yes, it’s been a long time coming, but no longer do we need to think critically! Now we have the perfect assistant agent to find the right word for the right moment for the right person, with barely lifting a finger to type in the request! In a world where thinking is hard and there are tv shows to watch, remember: AI is here for your life!
“With that we return to the action. It seems like the contest is winding down, the questions being asked moving to important things, such as the proper way to enjoy a hot dog, and whether or not we are the greatest country on Earth, or just the bestest. We’ve certainly a clinic here tonight, ladies and gentlemen, on how to work a crowd ahead of election day. The glib response, the perfectly evoked sympathy… After decades in the chair, their performance still brings a tear to my eye.
“Wait! Cassidy throws one final flurry of accusations, outdated and – could that be? - racist words flung in the direction of his opponent. But she parries each one with a simpering, condescending smile and a pitying shrug. What. A. Masterclass!
“And there’s the moderator now, thanking the candidates for their time and energy. The crowd isn’t listening, both halves of the gallery cheering for their respective candidate as young and old meet at center stage one final time. I tell you, despite the age gap, gender, and the height difference between them, I don’t see two fighters out there for a prize. I see two sides of the same coin. Two patriots willing to suffer the cloying aroma of lobbyists just for our amusement.
Truly, what a lucky time it is to be an American!”
© Kurt S. Avard 2026